Movies like this make me sad. It is clear this movie had no intentions of being anything other then at cash magnet, and a hype machine to increase studio profits. This movie was made in a board room, not in the heart and mind of a person. I imagine a group of board members got together and calculated the number of die hard TMNT fans still alive that they could sucker into paying for a movie off of 80’s nostalgia alone. They didn’t sit down and ask “how can we make an engaging movie” they asked “how can we make a lot of money?”
When the first, and single, 1984 comic was written, the authors didn’t even have the money to publish it. They just wanted to tell a good story. At best they hoped they could make enough money to pay back the the guy who financed them. They had a genuine idea, that came from their creativity, and a story they wanted to put out there. They didn’t even plan on a sequel or follow up comics. TMNT didn’t have to make sense. Actually, it didn’t make ANY sense. Natures slowest animal as ninjas? Named after artist? Mutated from some secret ooze? Come on, no focus group in the world would approve of such a ridiculous idea like that on purpose. Eastman and Laird did, and it sold like hot cakes.
Paramount pictures didn’t have a fresh idea. Michael Bay didn’t seem like he wanted to inspire. Jonathan Liebesman didn’t show that he had some burning passion to create a work of art. So why did they do it? They all, like everyone before them, wanted to piggy back on the success of an idea that already sold, and market it for more money. The end result showed. I’m not sure how Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird’s involvement in this steered it one way or they other, but the movie was void of any artistic value, and coming from a TMNT fan, that hurt. There is a clear difference when someone is genuinely trying their best to entertain you (even if they don’t do the best job), and someone who is trying to distract you with smoke so you wont see they just wanted to take your money. I hate to admit this or say this, because I don’t want to believe it, but here it goes:
It is clear that TMNT is no longer a work of art, it is miniaturized trinket to be sold in gift shops as a novelty item for petty cash.
Plot: Man vs Man
Synopsis: Four pet turtles and a rat anthropomorphize after being experimented on in a research lab for biological weapons and enhancement. The rat, being the oldest, takes the helm and becomes father to the four turtles, teaching them the ways of ninjitsu from an old book found in the sewer. As fate would have it, 15 years later, they would find the city above needs saving, and they will put their ninja skills to the test as they come face to face with elements from their past, and the dangers of their future.
Who should watch this movie: People who don’t have anything better to do at the time and don’t mind throwing a few bucks away, sci fi fanatics that support all sci fi regardless, people who don’t care and can switch their brain off, people who are not fans martial art movies
Ratings:
Director: 4/10
Actors: 5/10
Screenplay: 6/10
Vieue Mosaic: 2/10
Screenplay review: The screenplay seems to blend fairly well if one doesn’t get caught up in the slight of hand card tricks. Originally, TMNT was a geniune attempt at art. So when a live action remake/reboot comes a long and tries to make light of something like that, you have to expect a few trade tricks for the popcorn viewer. The good is, you can ignore it without much trouble, the bad is, you can ignore it because the movie is not engaging. In times like that, I have found, it is better to keep the plot line simple, but this movie goes for the gold and tries to incorporate a few plot twist, and ridiculous connections between the characters. That is where the screen play messes up. Either a)tell your audience to turn off their brain to watch the movie, or b)tell your audience to pay attention to the riveting plot twist. You can’t have both. If you wish people to sit there and get spoon fed graphics and insanity, please don’t, all of a sudden, force them to use their brains on something they’ve already disconnected with. It becomes a chore. No one should have to go back and think on a brainless movie.
The frustrating thing is, this is a reboot, therefore no prior knowledge of the franchise should be needed to understand the movie. However, in such a case, the entire concept of the turtles become more than outrageous, but irrelevant. They could have written the same movie and inserted any two or more characters in their place.
Let me explain. In the 1984 comics, the satirical nature of the main characters was put against the background of a very dark, and serious plot. A plot of revenge, of honor, of family, and of death. In the words of Marty McFly, that’s “heavy”. It made you as the reader forget the characters, where they came from, or how much their back story did or didn’t make sense. You focused on the mission. You saw the dangers. You felt the dark confrontation with a murderous villain, who was also drunk with a blood lust of revenge. The audience could relate to that, and it engaged them. I don’t know if it would worked the same if, in 1984, they drafted the TMNT issue 1 as a comedy, or as a plucky “don’t take me serious” tone. I say this with confidence only because it didn’t work with the 2014 movie. The plucky and neurotic tone of the movie screamed “don’t take me seriously”, while simultaneously sticking hands in your pocket and taking their cut. The only reason any of the TMNT franchises worked was because of the ground work laid with the dark and serious 1984-86 originals. Btw, Michelangelo wasn’t just a comic relief.
Director review: The way this movie was directed, I believe, is an insult to anyone with even a meager level of intelligence. I believe you tailor your show to your audiences. Are we too stupid to follow a movie that doesn’t have a orgy of graphics, action that flickers in half second screen shots, shaky camera motions, and lots and lots of cgi? More is better! More more… and bigger! And BOOM! and flicker flicker flicker… until the irises in our eyes get exhausted? I don’t think so.
Let’s talk about the meat of the problem. Marital arts. Cuz know one watches a movie with the word “ninja” in it, unless they expect some martial arts. Martial arts? “Oh no,” says the director, “we just need screen flickers!” wtf? Is TMNT not the quintessential martial arts movie? I mean, NINJA is in the name of the movie. You would expect to see some really badass fight scenes, not a punch or two thrown here or there. Pouring in a gallon of cgi, just to add a single drop of martial arts sucked… hard! Had the movie completely bombed as a story, but at least delivered on the martial arts, some next level martial arts, this movie would have done great. However, this movie manages to mess up everything, AND give just a mere few scenes of a punch or two, and a kick and a sweep? Lose. Lose. Lose.
The final fight scene was like, “ok, here is the redemption, he’s been saving it for this moment, oh! OHHHH… hhhh…. that’s it?” Where is the damn ninja in the ninja turtles? Where is the martial arts? As a matter of fact, is there ANY series of fighting that last for more than half a second, before flickering off into some blinky shadows – besides the final scene? Everyone, if you are going to make a martial arts movie, even if it is cgi, put some damn martial arts in the movie. I can’t imagine, for the life of me, watching Rocky, where there wasn’t any boxing. A punch or two of flickered screen shots, and then new scene is not boxing! How about a Chuck Norris film without a fight? How do you watch a baseball movie with barely any baseball? Just the camera flickering to each baseman for half a second, then the home plate, then the stands, then the dug out, the pitch, but flicker to the batter and pitcher a lot during the pitch, and flicker flicker, and instead of a real bat we will have a cgi bat. Oh and lets make the batter 10 ft tall, and super huge because 2014 audience don’t like normal stuff. The batter should fly, and shoot lazer beams out of his eyes, while he runs in slow motion to the bases. Ya know, cuz that’s what American audiences want to see. Beautiful art like that. It would be very disingenuous to say this 2014 reboot was the only sucky TMNT remake, actually, if it were, I’d be happy. Though I will say, it has the least martial arts of all the ones’ I’ve seen. Even the TMNT Rock Convert had more fight scenes.
The CGI fill in’s are quiet insulting though, as if people are too stupid to enjoy something that doesn’t stress their eye’s ability to focus. Liebesman, you do realize some of us actually have an attention span of more that .5 seconds? We aren’t stupid.
Actor review: From my understanding the actors not only voiced the characters but “played” them too, albeit cgi and body imaging. I think this was a big loss to the movie because in the 1990 version of the film, there was some real martial arts, and it was double tuff. There were real people in real suits doing flips and fight scenes. Cgi really took a lot of that magic away, especially since it didn’t appear that any of the actors were martial artist, hell, not even gymnast for that matter.
Megan Fox acting as a neurotic tv reporter was confusing, and that’s seriously the best I can give it. I don’t ever fault the actors for their material from the writing staff, or for the cheesy lines. It’s not their fault. An actor is paid to say the lines they were given. Sooo I’m not sure if Fox was suppose to be sucky corny because of her lines, or was just sucky corny just because. Having only seen her in Transformers and TMNT 2014 it is extremely difficult to judge any diversification in her acting. She seems like the same person in both, with the same facial express and emotions. Both characters they all sucked btw, let’s be clear…. like not even close to good. I can’t tell if it is Fox though, because both of those films, produced by Michael Bay, were cash in’s on 80’s fan fare. So it is possible the movie didn’t give much for her to work with at all. I will have to make a point to watch her in a completely unrelated movie. Curiously though, why is April O’neil always a new reporter in the films? She wasn’t originally a news reporter, she was a lab assistant to Baxter Stockman, so it doesn’t make any sense that a reboot would even need to hold to the tv news reporter theme.
Tony Shalhoub and Danny Woodburn acting as splinter, who looked like a wet dog, was forgettable. Splinter looking completely gross was not Shalhoub’s fault, but nonetheless, it made it uncomfortable to look at. I wanted to never see Splinter at all- well, I take that back. There was exactly one full second where Splinter is fighting Shredder with a sword (not a spoiler cuz it’s in the trailer), that looks very cool. One second of joy is all we got, that’s all they gave to us, and the rest of the time Splinter is jumping around in slow motion through cgi, and getting his ass kicked in flickered screen shots while whipping his tail about. I am no die hard fan of the 90’s films, but Splinter’s voice then was beyond perfect. So much for that character. Gross mangy dog.
Jeremy Howard as Donatello was the weirdest of the turtles, but I really didn’t mind him at all. He had the most interesting, nice guy, personality, and the wearables of electronics actually touched home to the modern 2014 audience. It completely dispelled any semblance with him being a ninja, and made fight scenes with him look dumb, but he had a little more character depth than the rest if only because he wore it for everyone to see.
Pete Ploszek and Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo came off, well, so so. Not too bad considering the way he leaped on to the scene like a bad ass, and then opened his mouth spoke like lil biznitch. Alas, that is the type of voicewe typically associate as Leonardo. Thought not the voice I gave Leo in my head when I first read the comics. So that begs the all importat question: If this is a reboot, why did they conveniently keet all of the worse character traits from the worse stereotypical cartoons? Reboot? Whatever.
What in the world was up with Michelangelo. Some parts were a little haha, but for the most part, he was down right weird. Rocking a shell necklace kinda turned my nose. Shell necklace??? Frankly, most of these characters were absolutely gross to look at. The personality, once again, was fresh off the stereotypical cartoons, nothing original to see here folks. Just a reboot, but isn’t really a reboot at all. Thanks Noel Fisher for the revolutionary display.
And clearly the asshole, Raphael. Who Alan Ritchson seems to play quite well actually. Thumbs up Ritchson. Being an asshole is acting too, and it counts. Even if it is a miserable character trait to play, somebody’s got to play it, so I can at least end the actor commentary with a half hearted smile for that.
Full Synopsis (Spoilers):
Well, I don’t want to, but I gotta do it.
The movie starts off with a comic strip that looks a lot like the original 1984 comics, as Splinter monologues over the pages. This is immediately odd considering this is a reboot. Why bother with the 1984 connection? Nevertheless, the movie starts off dark, like the old comics- so at first it seems promising. The problem with some of the TMNT movies (and network cartoons) is they that left the dark aspect of vengeance and danger out and put in plucky comedy. Starting the 2014 movie dark and solemn, makes you think that they will indeed take a different approach. Wow, so cool,right? Not after the opening credits, it is clear… nope – the neurotic, nassal pitched tv reporter and plucky camera man completely trash any notion this is a serious toned flick. Oh well.
Why oh why do they insist on making Apirl a tv news reporter in every incarnation?
April who was trolling for stories in Brooklyn stumbles on Foot Clan activity she’s warned everyone about. After being ignored by the stations so much, she takes matters into her own hand. She’s in hot pursuit. The first fight scene is simply not enough for a martial arts movie. The film gets more depressing once you realize the level of fighting you can expect. So far it’s all about April (thank your agent), and even the first fight scene is mostly shots of April again (thank your agent). Yay. You don’t see much action, actually, you don’t see ANY action. You see shadows and screen flickers, and of course, April O’neal. The first Foot Clan/Turtle fight is still forgivable, you figure maybe they are setting up, and trying to establish the fact that they are ninjas, and not to be seen. That’s great and all until you realize it’s just a cheap trick for a movie with no real martial arts to show… so they don’t show any.
The scene cuts to Shredder, tied up, and beating a foot clan member to death. Nice little taste of action, though this movie is far from a martial arts movie thus far. Now I watch Karia speak with Shredder. I get the feeling movies produced under the hand of Bay all have one female character. The doe eyed, deer in the headlight female, with heavy breathing. Anyway, Karia is instructed to do some damage and lucky April O’Neal is there to witness it. That’s cuz she’s an ambitious reporter. You go girl.
Queue the white girl running alone through the subway. Queue the doe eyes. Queue the heavy breathing and deer in head light look. Oh yea, don’t forget to make her walk backwards and please keep the camera zoomed into her face while she continues to walk backwards in the dangerous… completely abandoned…. subway. (yawn) And three… two… one… caught from behind. OMG! So surprising! But now the real action is about to happen right? I mean, this is a martial arts film, and we are now a quarter into the movie with only a punch or two from the Shredder, so this is the big scene we have been waiting for… wait for it… wait for it… NOTHING.
The subway fight is simply the camera pointed along the wall of the subway watching bodies thrown against it. That’s really cheap. There has been no martial arts or fighting at all in this movie thus far. Not to mention the flickering lights, and flashy screen flicks are cheap ways to make it look like action. The idea that you are trying to show them as unseen ninjas is crap. In the Mirage comics, the turtles were clearly unseen by many of their opponents, but the comics showed them. For instance, in one comic Donatello left his bo staff on the floor and when a ninja entered the room, the ninja saw the staff and cautiously walked over to it to pick it up, all the while D hid in the ceiling, then D dropped unseen behind the ninja, disarmed him from the back, and when the ninja turned, D hit him from the side. D was unseen that whole time by the ninja, but we, the audience, saw him and the action. The comics didn’t just show the ninja, they showed you everything, and highlighted the ninja skills of the turtles..
By this time, I’m very upset. What’s going on? I’d normally walk out and ask for a refund or credit for another movie, but hey, I’m writing a review so I’m sticking with it. The interaction between April O’neal and the turtles for the first time has been played to death in the trailers. The only person I don’t like in this is Michelangelo’s quirky behavior and weird movement. I don’t know why it is so disturbing to look at. It can’t just be his shell necklace, his entire mannerisms are weird. These turtles looking like monsters. Anyway, queue the doe eyes and deer in head light look, with heavy breathing… and next scene.
Once April makes the connection to her old pets and the ninja turtles, I have checked out. How convenient. Lazy writers couldn’t come up with a better story line and want to add this little connection for their convenience is hardly innovative. The turtles were her dad’s experimental pets, super conveniently color coded? This is definitely not artistic, and we are a third of the way through the movie. It is very clear this movie will not play out well considering the director and writer fails thus far. Although Whoopi Goldberg is definitely doing a good job of playing the asshole station producer. Having dated a news reporter before, I’d almost say Whoopi was at risk of being TOO nice.
April goes to her father’s old partner, who works with Shredder, who also betrayed her father (too many connections and twist for a brainless movie, keep it simple in brainless movies), and she tells him everything about the turtles, he tracks her down, and the Foot Clan and Shredder ambush the turtles at their plush pad.
Can I talk about the plush pad for a second? Why are the turtles living in an underground condo? What happen to the dirty, sewer conditions they lived and trained inside the darkness. Don’t throw the “reboot” word around, because it is clear this is not a reboot, this is a cash pull. They haven’t innovated anything to call this a reboot. Bulking up the turtles and slopping cgi over it does not a reboot make. They pulled the same character arch from the cartoons, cgi’d it up in order to entice 80’s nostalgia. The problem is, the turtles were poor, and had nothing but each other. Like Rocky who had to train in squalor, the turtles trained all the same.
Anyway, half the movie goes by before any real martial arts gets seen and its just the turtles practicing as kids. I do like it, its just too little and much too late. Especially the slice and dice pizza homage to the 90’s flick. I like it, but I’m already too bitter to enjoy it. My word Splinter looks gross. Back to the movie. April goes to the turtles, Eric Sacks tracks them, they get ambushed and action ensues. Juicy, meaty, ninja fighting action, and Splinter getting off. Even if it is a lot of light flickering for no reason whatsoever, you still accept it. I mean, at this time, we’d accept anything. And for a half of a second, Splinter looks like a master next to an over budget robotic mechatronic Shredder. For about a minute or two, the action looked pretty good. Then fizzled out greatly with the capture of the turtles in a shadowy, flickery cgi slow mo beat down of Splinter.
The point is, the turtles (3) get capture, the Foot Clan want to drain their blood to extract the mutagen, and infect everyone in New York with a deadly virus. OMG, so that’s why Aprils father died, because he found out the secret plan, what a twist! W/e they want to infect NYC so Sacks can make millions on the cure, and Shredder can rule the city in chaos. As if the federal government would never ever step it, right? Raphael rescues the turtles and he gets a beat down by Shredder. Queue a 99% cgi fight scene down the slope of a mountain, bam bam, they end up with a final show down on top of the Empire State building with Shredder and the Turtles. By this time it is clear money has been wasted. No matter how good the final fight scene ends up being.
Considering they are in broad daylight, alone on top of the building, it would take an act of spite for the director to do any sort of flickery cut scenes. So you’d think it would be ok, right? Instead of flickery cut scenes, it is a vomit inducing dizzy camera spin. The camera literally revolves around Shredder (like Bad Boys II, oh that Michael Bay school of directing) while he unleashes hell. Not only that but there is a need to try and tackle two “riveting” plot lines at once in this brainless movie. One with Shredder and the turtles, and two with April O’neal, her camera man (why is he here?) vs Eric Saks. The fight scene between the turtles and Shredder is a cgi ass whooping, and camera constantly pans and circles around as if to make it more spectacular. I can assure you, I will be rewatching Jackie Chan, Donnie Yen, and Jet Li fight scenes with a still camera, in awe, before I rewatch anything from this movie. The great martial artist actors of old have proven that jerky and quick camera movements don’t make martial art fight scenes any more enjoyable. But there we have it. The turtles get their asses handed to them proper, until they use an old leap frog trick to kick him off the roof to make him pull a 80’s Joker style death(?).
Oh yea, Raphael cries and says the L word. The end.
Bentley Dean 